Dusk, Envy & Sorrow
by ChainOfSorrow
Summary: NOTE: THIS IS NOT YAOI!  Near's thoughts about his true feelings for Mello and about his own life in comparison to Mello's. This deviates a lot from the original story of Death Note and some of the content wouldn't even make sense, meaning timeline, etc.


Author's Note: I don't care if this matches Death Note's original story, and I perfectly know it doesn't... this is reality-based, that's what matters, who I want to fully understand this will certainly understand it. I can't say this without using these characters.

**DISCLAIMER:** I, ChainOfSorrow, don't own Death Note or its characters, no money is made after this.

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_5th September..._

Three months since the Wammy's journey had ended, three months of deep introspection that turned up to make him feel even worse... And there he was again, for some pointless celebration of the completion of Wammy's studies by the all-mighty brains of our corrupted world. So what would be better? Isolation? Or being surrounded by people who had no idea how much he cared for them? Who cares? Fuck it! Let it rot! 'Let me rot!' he thought.

Suddenly something interrupted Near's chain of thoughts, one of his glittering white hairs got stuck on his finger while he was playing with it, lost in a dizzy game of constant curling. It was a tiny lonely hair now, separated from all the others. Near raised his head, facing the ambar-like atmosphere around him, caused by the weakened light of twilight that flooded the room from the open window in front of him.

After some minutes, Near dared to abandon the sight of the stunning dusky luminus from outdoors. He started looking around, disgustingly appreciating the parade of faces that falsely admired him throughout the past years, he knew them all... at least, what he needed to know about them. Inevitaby his gaze locked on an unique face. He would recognize that face everywhere, he even doubted he wouldn't recognize such person in the pitch black darkness. The blond hair, those cold blue eyes and the unmistakable accurate shape of the blond boy's semblance. Mello. His eternal rival. So sad. Right beside Mello, Matt, his buddy. Oh, Near always wished for some Matt to be part of his life, the thing between Matt and Mello, it was indescribable, it was everything Near would never be allowed to havewith anyone. He knew how awful that feeling was, but, he couldn't help to envy every breath of Mello. It wasn't a grudgeful envy though, just sad. Well, Mello was certainly not as well succeeded as he was on academic matters, but he had everything Near missed: emotion, the feeling of being alive, attitude and... Matt, beyond the pain, beyond the suffering, Mello would always have Matt. Near... he would have his empty pride, his theatrical parade of smiling faces, his nothingness...

Mello could hate him, but Near... no, he never hated Mello, he couldn't hate someone who's not hateful, Mello was actually adorable. He was the closest person to a friend Near have ever had, the only one that truly interacted with him for the past years. Mello wasn't part of the fake parade, Mello hated Near, and Near loved Mello's hate, it was a sweet game, addictive, painful for both sides... But in the end, the only proof he had that he was alive. And, at least, Mello's hatred was truthful, contrarily to all the rest on Near's fucking life. Masks, faking and lies, that's what Near was all about. After all, who would ever think the _f-word_ could possibly exist in our beloved Near's mind. He could want it depply, but Near would never have what Mello has in abundance: a life. Not even a fucking one. Mello suffered a lot, Near was perfectly aware of that, he was probably the person who suffered the most inside those walls, but he had a life. Near, he had the idea of a life, the vague taste of what living really is. He could try as hard as possible, but living was something Near was never meant to do.

Suddenly Mello noticed Near and started staring at him, just like the white-haired was doing. The eye-contact lasted a few seconds, then, Near lowered his head to look back at the torn hair lying in his hand, and smiled to the irony of his previous thought, "a tiny lonely hair now, separated from all the others".

A few seconds later, Near sighed at the sound of an interrupted step beside his sitting body. Without raising his head Near said emotionlessly: 'Hi Mello!'

'I'm also sincerely happy to see you' said Mello without the slightest effort to make it not sound coldly sarcastic.

Near could almost feel Matt grinning and finally raised his head.

'My insincere congratulations for your scale breaking results. You're the best!' added Mello. Impressive how he didn't even had to try to express such hate only by those words. That was Mello, he felt everything so deeply, such a gift.

Failing at trying to put some emotion into his voice, Near said, 'Thank you Mello.'

'Pff, whatever. See ya in hell weirdo! C'mon Matt!' replied Mello, leaving Near alone again, with Matt following him in slow motion for he was far too interested in a gaming gadget he had on his hands.

When Near felt no sign of Mello and the red-haired gamer around, he lowered his head again, placing it between his knees. 'No motion now...'

Mello would never grasp the true meaning of Near's thanks. Not even Near knew how premonitory those words were. 'Better like that', Near thought. 'Everything... everything's so sad.' He wished a tear poured from his eyes, but no tears were meant to be shed that day. Probably fate was saving them for upcoming events.

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Author's Note: I know I'm horrible at prose writing, but I still needed to write this right now. 80% of this is running through my mind for real.


End file.
